Uhhhh - Emotional Burnout - Part 3.

21st July 2008 : The Long weekend was over. Drinking from Friday to Saturday had made it tiring. We friends loved hanging out and just de stressing through alcohol..ummm they through fun and me through the liquor. I think my friends got tired of me cribbing about how she must hate me. They told me " Dude, Forget her. We know you just want her to remember you so that you could apologise to her. However forget it, it just wont work out. If she wanted to respond, she would have responded." I looked at them with a straight face and told them i just want forgiveness and i am sure i would get it.She was an angel and angels dont change.

Sunday was office and i could hardly work. Felt really lonely. Even for someone who loves loneliness it had become too much. I came back home on Monday morning. Looked at my scrapbook. No response. Checked details of open friend requests. Rejection!!!! My heart fell out. I guess i deserved it. Maybe she didnt remember me, Maybe she hated me, Maybe she thought i was weird, So many maybe's and soo few answers..

It took me time to recover and i realised that i probably couldnt get forgiveness from her. But that did not stopped me from trying so therefore i decided to blog...

My final act of redemption - This open letter.

Dear Friend,

I hope , and my gut feel tells me that you remember me. By the time you finish reading this series of blogs i am sure that would be the case.

First of all let me tell you why i am writing to you. Honestly the loss of your friendship however understandable it may be was one of the biggest blows to me. A blow i have not yet recovered from. At this point of time you may think that this is such a small thing however for me who treasured your friendshio it was one of the biggest mistakes of my life. I know it was my own doing and i am the one to blame. However i needed to redeem myself in my own eyes and thats what i am doing. Let me assure you that i am only trying to bring a closure to a chapter which has pained me for the last 11 years.

I know we knew each other a long time back. Probably seems like another life time to you. I know we moved our different ways and you would love your life to go the way its going. I know that you are probably married or engaged or would be engaged. From the bottom of my heart i wish you guys a great life ahead. My intentions are honourable. The only thing i want is forgiveness and nothing else. Forgiveness because i treated you wrong and caused hurt to you and in turn caused hurt to myself.

They say ""Classic remorse, as all the moralists are agreed, is a most undesirable sentiment. If you have behaved badly, repent, make what amends you can and address yourself to the task of behaving better next time. On no account brood over your wrongdoing. ROLLING IN THE MUCK IS NOT THE BEST WAY OF GETTING CLEAN."  I want to get out of this muck.

Anyways that is all i have to say.

Its not necessary for you to respond. If you want to leave any messages be it of anger or whatever please message me

Good Luck and God bless you,

Sunny

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Uhhhh - Emotional Burnout - Part 2

18th July 2008 - Got out of the office in the morning. The Office is one place where i feel like a tiger. When out of the office i am an emotional wreck, a loner. Therefore the only recourse to survival is to drink with my buddies and ease the pain so as to enjoy life. To be honest, i am sure most of them realize i am a loner, but probably none realize that i feel like a wreck.

On that day i was in luck. My buddy from the Army was back in town. The Captain, when i had spoken to him the previous afternoon, had invited me over for brunch (or was it me who had invited myself over??!!). Honestly, i don’t have a clue. I had been high when we had spoken via phone. The Captain and his wife were really happy to see me. I had good food and put in about 7-8 cocktails of gin into myself. And i did feel happy after the concoction. Wouldn’t you? Anyways they enjoyed my company as i have this uncanny knack to make people feel happy. As i drove back home, 50 Kilometers from the Captain's house, the only thing on my mind was  - Had she replied? To the music of U2 - With or Without You and Pearl Jam's - Last Kiss my heart waited and waited.........................................

As i switched on my comp at home the only noise i could hear was the beating of my heart backed up with noise from the CPU. Sweat poured from me as i logged into Orkut. Finally I saw a scrap - at last a scrap from her. The message simply read, " I am not engaged - Thanks anyway". I was astounded - How could i be wrong??? I had trawled through her scrapbook expertly and had come to the conclusion that she was engaged. Was i seeing stuff on her scrapbook?? Not sure of what was happening, and not sure even if she remembered me, i decided to take it one step further

I left a simple message - " I guess someone made a Mickey out of me :) Btw do you remember me?” I also decided to escalate the situation further - i decided to send her a friend request. It was make or break time...I wanted to know what was in her mind...And the wait began. Again !!!!

Footnote:I am really sorry about trawling through your scrapbook but i was desperate to figure out that you were the right person !!

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Uhhhh - Emotional Burnout - Part 1

17th July 2008 - The 17th saw me scrapping on orkut. After a long time decided to search for old friends. Searched for her specifically. Earlier attempts to contact her had been a complete failure as she did not respond. This time there was a change in her profile 1) Her snaps had been uploaded 2) An older scrap from her friend congratulating her on her engagement.

The last time i had spoken with her was in October/November 1997 when i was in my XIth Grade .Though not partners we were good friends. The pictures snapped me back into the past. What a fool i had been to break our friendship due to my egoism. She had apologised for what i had percieved she had done. She had told me that she loved talking to me and trusted me completely and missed the discussions we used to have about life. And i like an idiot, an egoistic idiot, had ignored her request to be friends again. What did i have at that time from a social perspective - Absolutely nothing except for my male buddies and of course that curse -  alcohol. Women used to think i was weird - and here was this really cute girl , whom i had known for Six Months and  who was a hearthrob for many in school including me, and she was telling me that she completely trusted and valued me as one of her closest friends. She had seen in me what a lot of people including yours truly had not noticed - Loyalty, Courage and Commitment. She was boosting me and giving my confidence back to me. Can anyone guess what my response was????????.....Those words which came out of my mouth still haunt me till this very day "I dont know, we will see"

It has been nearly 11 years but my memories and regrets about her are still there, fresh as if all this happened yesterday. As i looked at those pictures on her profile it was painful. Painful, of course due to my stupidity, that i could not share my joy in life with her. Well then i decided that it was time for me to ask for forgiveness and rebuild that friendship which had promised so much...but had delivered so less. I am a firm believer that women can have friends who are not their lovers and thats what i wanted from her. I  want her to be just that simple friend.

Doubts came into my mind as i checked her scrapbook. Was she the right person ??? As i trawled through her entire scrapbook and looked at her friends list, checked their profiles and testimonials, i realized i had the right person. .Would she remember me ??? I decided to test the waters. I sent her a scrap congratulating her on her engagement and hoping that she would have a great life ahead. As i switched my computer off, i finished my 3rd beer. Realizing i would probably have to wait for a day for a response i decided that i better sleep off. After all life had to go on and then there was office @ night. Couldnt afford to miss that, could I ? was the last the thought in my mind as i closed my eyes.

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"The other day a couple came to me for marriage therapy.  Each spouse had hurt the other by his or her actions.  They said they loved each other and wanted to get past their anger.  I asked the wife if she could forgive him.  She right away said, "Yes."  The husband, after a long pause said, "I will forgive her if she really forgives me."  I asked him how he would know that she had really forgiven him and he said, "If she does not bring it ever again what I had said or done in the past."  I wondered how long will he wait to convince himself of that.   
Forgiving is not about the wrongdoer, it's about you.  You forgive people, not for their sake, but for your own sake.  You forgive because you want to set yourself free.  You set yourself free by breaking the shackles of anger, hurt, helplessness or shame and that occurs when you forgive the person who caused those feelings." - Vijai Sharma

For god's sake all who dont want to forgive read this..For god's sake who don't want to help people on the path to redemption read this...Why cant you forgive ??? Forgiveness will just make you divine...As Vijai says " You set yourself free by breaking the shackles of anger, hurt, helplessness or shame and that occurs when you forgive the person who caused those feelings "...Its simple forgiveness not only helps those who caused you hurt it helps those who got hurt !!!!!!

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I had a dream. I saw me sitting with a guest. After taking a closer look I realized I was talking to myself.

There was a ton of small talk. "Where do you plan on going to college?" and "What do you enjoy doing in your spare time?" After a few of these mindless questions, I asked, "What is the career of your choice and why?" 

Yes... those practice SAT essays are definitely taking over my head.

The Path I'm Taking

I knew the answer. I want to be a doctor. Why? Because I want to make a difference. Yet, that wasn't the answer, or at least not all of it. I saw me taking a moment to reflect and think over the question, and then came an answer so satisfying, I knew that this is what I'm meant to do.

"I want to be a doctor because I feel like I have something that I can give people. Whether it be a few encouraging words or my effort towards their well-being, I have the compassion that it takes to go above and beyond for my future patients. ....I want to know what it feels like to give someone a second chance at life. And I hope they can show me what living life to its fullest really means. I'm a big believer in leaving nothing unsaid and if I give at least one person one more month... week... day... to really let all their loved ones know what they mean to them, then those eight years of study and the additional years of internship will be more than worth it."

Looks like one piece of the puzzle is put into its rightful place. If you're asking how many more to go... I wouldn't know.

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Every time I pick up the bible, I'll randomly open it up and try to pinpoint a random scripture. I've heard many people say that after doing so they came upon a scripture that "spoke" to them and gave them whatever elightment was needed at the moment.

And what happens when I attempt to do the same?

I come across something that I complete disagree with, shut the bible, and put it back on my bookshelf where it will sit for an entire year collecting dust. My cousin even joked that the only way that I'll ever be able to save up my money is by scattering bills between the pages. And sadly... it works.

Now, when someone asks, "What faith are you?" My default response is Christian. I've been raised to believe that Jesus is my saviour and that God is our Father in Heaven. I can recite most of the Ten Commandments, and when someone sneezes I'm usually the first to say "bless you". (Okay, so that has nothing to do with anything...)

But seriously? I would not be able to tell someone why I personally believe in God. It's like this one guy asked at one of my aunt's youth bible studies, "If two people live together and love each other, have kids, and function as a family... why should they get married if they don't want to?" ....So then you have a bunch of twenty-something year olds trying to come up with some biblical response... and the truth is it was all pathetic. No one wanted to actually admit that they didn't have the answer.

Too many shades of gray.

I don't know God. I've heard about his mercy and all his awesomeness (is that even a word?) but I've never directly understood why believing in him could fill this "void" that everyone speaks of. What makes anyone certain that I even have a void? I know us humans are programmed to always want more. Nothing is ever enough. So this "void" could just be a manifestation of failure or even fatigue.

Here's the thing... I want to believe in God. I truly want to believe that there is a diety that loves us very much and that genuinely cares about each person. But if I'm going to accept Jesus into my life, real or make-belief, I want to be certain that my heart and mind are on board.

I've tried the whole atheist thing, and it didn't work out too well for me because the world is grim in that perspective. And I've attempted to be agnostic... and that didn't work too well because it left too many questions and possibilities. I've truly tried accepting Christ into my life, but after two days my mind caught up with my heart... and sure as hell my mind won that argument.

I guess I'm desperate to believe in something. But I feel like I'm walking in the dark; completely deaf, mute, and blind; and stumbling the entire way to some undetermined destination.

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Starting Young

Many times when people see an obese child they often conclude that his or her parents are to blame. When only one girl out of fifteen will raise her hand and say that she is content with her body image... do we still blame the parents? If I find myself thinking that I don't belong because I'm too ugly or fat for anyone to like me... do I still blame my parents?

So the question is... who do I really blame for this?

Ladies and gentleman, I give you for your viewing pleasure exhibit A. To your left is an image of what might be a little girl playing with scales... or it may very well be a disturbing image of what future generations are learning from our example.

We are taught in subtle ways to associate "fat" with "ugly". Our society puts so much emphasis on being slim, it's as if America is attempting everything to get rid of our worldwide hamburger-hotdog-eating image. We forget that their tiny eyes are learning from us.

When all we see on television are dramas that cast anorexic actresses and read in magazines how beautiful these people are... what message is America sending across to us, the teenage female population? If you want to be beautiful these people will show you how.

So why am I frustrated? Because no matter what the media will only show what it wants us to see. It'll brainwash our female population into buying those damn diet pills and we will spend hours working out at the gym after purchasing a full-year membership. We will endlessly worry about calorie intake, and some of us will start using a toothbrush for other purposes besides keeping our teeth clean.

So when this happens... does the media proceed to blame our parents? Or will it take responsibility for what it's doing to all of us? If that last statement sounds as ridiculous to you as it does to me... then we both understand that this thing, whether or not we like it... is unbeatable. Without change,expect to see more images like this one in the future. After all.... "monkey see, monkey do".

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Confession Bench.

I remember that one summer where you and I would walk around your neighborhood well after the sun would set. The stars were stunning and I could never tell if that twinkling light was an actual star or a distant airplane. We would discuss our lives and laugh about all the silly things. It seemed to me that you had the answers to everything. Wow, I miss it. I miss you.

School began and you tutored me in math and Spanish. You began teaching me how to play the piano, and every Saturday morning there we'd be, sitting in the piano room for two hours, trying to get my clumsy fingers to play a pretty tune.

I finally turned thirteen and I got to go spend a day with you at the mall. We watched "First Daughter" in the theatre and I still have the movie ticket stub somewhere. I had so much fun with you that day.

Christmas time came and we found ourselves running up and down my neighborhood at three in the morning. We stayed up the entire night trying to finish projects and homework before the semester ended, and I still laugh whenever I think about how we took turns sleeping for fifteen minutes at a time. I love remembering this.

Spring arrived and we were sitting at the kitchen table with all the windows open. We ate a lot of oranges and my computer blasted raggaeton music as we discussed and anticipated summer's arrival.

And then it was summer. Our folks arrived and we all drove down to Florida. You were preoccupied with your own thoughts about college and setting foot into the real world and would pay me no bother except to ocassionally reprimand me for listening to secular music or for being childish. I can't say that my feelings weren't hurt. You went from being my confidant to someone who seemed to just barely tolerate me.

School began and fall finally set in. When I did have the opportunity to come up and visit you, we barely said anything to each other. It was awkward and you seemed to patronize me. I hated not being able to talk to you. It made me feel like you didn't care anymore.

Since then a lot has changed. You and I have built a strong friendship and it seems that whatever happened that summer has been forgotten. Every once in a while we'll mention some of these memories, and I treasure them. But what I've never told you is that it really hurt me when you pushed me away that summer. I guess I just didn't expect it.

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Earlier I posted an entry titled "Agitating Bus Driver". I actually wrote that entry several weeks ago. I admit that lady can have a nasty temper sometimes and never seems to stop complaining, but today I realized something... no wait... several things. And I wanted to share them.

One time I was the only one taking the IB bus and the bus driver began a conversation about her grandchildren She told me that her daughter only had two kids and both of them suffer from severe autism. However, she was really proud of her daughter and son in-law because they found their children a good psychiatrist. When I arrived at my stop, I wished her well and hoped that the family would soon see progress with the new therapy. I turned around and saw a smile on her face.

The week proceeded, and it seemed that the bus driver was in a worse mood each day. Still I'd smile and say hello when boarding the bus, and I'd always thank her for driving us when I'd leave. I didn't care how her negativity affected me, I wasn't going to forget my manners.

Well today I picked some flowers that bloomed by a nearby fence while waiting for the bus to come. They were a really pretty bright orange and had a purple shimmer when they caught light. Boarding the bus I greeted the lady and handed her one. At first I thought she would think it was a stupid gesture... what's one flower... right? But along the way she began talking about how her parents used to grow these particular flowers. She tried to grow them in her own garden but they wouldn't take. And... she thanked me.

Once again I thanked her for driving us and wished her a great weekend, and again I saw a smile on her face. While walking home I began thinking. It just didn't make sense to me how someone could be so negative and complain about nearly everything, yet be delighted with one flower.

I realized today that people are more alike than any of us think. Much like one word can either heal or break a person, so can a simple act of kindness or rudeness. And though at times it is easier for my peers and me to roll our eyes and turn up our iPods, I honestly don't think we should. If I can show one person that my generation is not nearly half as bad as we are portrayed to be through television and other forms of media, then I think the effort alone is worth it.

"Kill 'em with kindness," as one of my former teachers would say.

In my personal opinion, our generation needs to learn better manners and we need to start treating our elders and teachers with a lot more respect. Don't expect anything in return but do it anyway. Here's how:

• Hold the door open for them. Waiting a couple seconds won't kill you.
• When their hands are full, offer to help carry something for them.
• Say thank you after you've been helped or had your question answered.
• Say please, like "May I please go to the bathroom?" or "Would you please repeat that?"
• AVOID saying "But you said..." instead phrase it along the lines of "My mistake, I thought you said..."
• Say good afternoon or good morning. And no, grunting doesn't count.
• Don't talk back. Some teachers are harsh and unfair, but you don't want to burn any bridges or leave a bad impression of yourself.
• Be honest and take responsibility for your actions. Chances are they'll appreciate your honesty and won't completely hate you if you screw up.
• And although there's a lot more, the main thing is to just be mindful and well-mannered.

Oh... and people aren't oblivious. If you're doing these things to suck up or be a teacher's pet... it's just plain annoying. Believe it or not the difference is obvious and you'll look pathetic.

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